Tag: what not to do

I’m catching up on All The Things, so I expect to be shipping out books in the next couple of days. For all of you who’ve ordered paper books from me – they’re coming!! If you WANT to order signed books from me, now is a really good time to do so, because you’d actually get it in a reasonable amount of time. Check out the store here.

So, I talked about this on my podcast yesterday, but if you didn’t listen, here’s a written-up version of what not to do as an author shilling your books.

I accepted this friend request on Facebook, you see. For some reason, I’ve been getting a TON of Facebook friend requests lately. The obvious spammers and scam artists are fairly easy to spot. The ones I really waffle over are the authors who seem to be friending me just to promo their book(s). With (most of) those, I accept their friend request and then brace myself for the promo private message (PM).

With this guy, it didn’t take long. Before I unfriended, blocked, and deleted – which IS what I’ll do if you PM me book promo, I saved this message for a lesson on What Not to Do. I changed the book titles, not because this dude is innocent, but because I have no desire to call him out and I’m not giving him any stinking press. Otherwise, all capitalization, etc., is his.

Here’s the message :

I have received thousands of reviews on novels X X, Y’s Y and ZZ On A Z’s Z. NONE more precious than the one I received today from this 96 year old WORLD WAR II VET! Be hard to imagine flying a TBM Avenger off the USS White Plains CVE-66 back in the day.

❤️

Hi Mr. Author Spammer Guy, Just started reading your “Ys Y” again. At 96 a good story is just as interesting with the tenth reading as it was the first. 🌈 I see why Burt Reynolds bought the film rights to your first novel X X.

(Link I ain’t never gonna follow, which only goes to his Facebook page anyway.)

Let’s break this down, shall we?

1. First of all, don’t do this.
2. I feel so strongly that no one should promo books this way that I’m making it #1 *and* #2. Don’t do this.
3. “I have received thousands of reviews on novels X X, Y’s Y and ZZ On A Z’s Z.”
   Congratulations? I really don’t care. If you have so many reviews, why are you spamming me?
4. “NONE more precious than the one I received today from this 96 year old WORLD WAR II VET!”
   I don’t care a) how precious it is to you, b) today, like actually today or is this meant to make me think, I don’t know, that this is fresh and relevant?, c) why do I care how old this guy is?, and d) why are you shouting at me about WWII vets?
5. “Be hard to imagine flying a TBM Avenger off the USS White Plains CVE-66 back in the day.”
   a) this is not a sentence, b) I can’t imagine this at all as I have no idea what these words mean, c) what is a TBM Avenger?, d) isn’t White Plains in New York?, and e) I don’t know what CVE-66 means either.
6. ❤️
   No.
7. Hi Mr. Author Spammer Guy,
   Why are you including the salutation? It doesn’t make me think it’s real.
8. Just started reading your “Ys Y” again. At 96 a good story is just as interesting with the tenth reading as it was the first.
   Ten readings, really?? If you’re going to make up reader letters, let’s go for something more modest. Like second or third, to be generous. Also, what is the freaking deal with tell me the age twice???
9. 🌈
   Somehow, I don’t think this rainbow is an homage to Pride Month. Why is it there?? We will never know…
10. I see why Burt Reynolds bought the film rights to your first novel X X.
    I mean… Why is this reader who loves Y’s Y enough to read it ten times suddenly pivoting to mention the movie rights to X X? Especially when we know that *that* option is going nowhere since Burt Reynolds, may he rest in peace on his adorable ass, passed away in 2018, THREE YEARS AGO. This isn’t exactly a hot commodity in Hollywood. And how does this 96yo (important detail!) reader even know about Burt and his pre-2018 option purchase of the book that he hasn’t read nine times already? This just proves that being a fiction writer doesn’t make you a good liar.
11. (Link I ain’t never gonna follow, which only goes to his Facebook page anyway.)
    You linked me to your Facebook page because why? Cuz, you know, your profile, right there on the Facebook PM goes right to…. your Facebook page!
12. Don’t do this, people.